Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
