i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
