worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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