i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
