Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
is that a dick in a sweater?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
