dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
