Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
