Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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