Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We need to get me chipped asap
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
