we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
