hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
