turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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