So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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