I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
