i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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