No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
