woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
