Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
