Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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