the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
