your room smells of hookers.
And success
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
