where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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