Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
