I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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