Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just had sex on a roof
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
