O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
