I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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