...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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