I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
is it fun? or sober?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
