we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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