i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
