shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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