your thong is hanging out like whoa
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
