My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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