If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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