she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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