"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
