I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
