I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
