listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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