I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
