I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
