I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize