I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
