If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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