We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
