Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
