It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
