I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i think my cat just said my name.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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