There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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