I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Randomize