We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
