A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
