Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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