Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
