I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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