You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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