i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
