my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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